out of control🕊️

the Compensatory Control Theory + my own Tiny Experiments

There’s a zen parable I often think about that goes something like this…

An old monk and a young monk were traveling together when they came upon a fast-flowing river.

As they prepared to cross, they noticed a woman nearby, unable to make it across on her own. She asked for their help. Both monks hesitated — their vows forbade them from touching women.

After a moment, the older monk walked over, lifted the woman onto his shoulders, carried her safely across the river, and then continued on his way without another word.

The younger monk was shocked, but he stayed silent as they walked on for hours.

At last, unable to hold back any longer, he said, “Brother, our vows forbid contact with women. How could you carry her like that?”

The older monk smiled and gently said, “I set her down on the riverbank hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

I think one of the most difficult things for people to do is let go…let go of anxieties, of people, of anger, of sadness, of old identities, of habits, of thought patterns…etc.

I wrote about letting go in a previous post of mine here:

how do you let go? 🕊️

But I’m brought back to the topic today as I watched neuroscientist Anne-Laure Le Cunff’s new TEDx talk about “compensatory control”. You can watch it here:

I’ve talked about her book Tiny Experiments many times here on The Little Things Life! (Tiny + Little are friends after all…🤍)

The Compensatory Control Theory “proposes that people embrace ideologies that emphasize personal, societal, or religious control to alleviate anxieties they experience when they perceive randomness and disorder in their lives.” (Kay et al., 2008; Kay, Whitson, Gaucher, & Galinsky, 2009).

Le Cunff talks about her personal experience with compensatory control when she was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and her first impulse went to checking her calendar instead of taking a moment to process the news. I can relate, not only because when things feel out of control for me, I often resort to planning and organizing things until I feel a false sense of security…but because after stressful events in my life I’ve had to catch myself before I fall back into textbook OCD behaviours.

So when things feel even more out of our control and uncertain than usual with the state of the world…what does Le Cunff suggest?

Well, yes! “Tiny Experiments”! But how exactly? And why is this her preferred approach?

She argues that by distancing ourselves from habits and goals, a tiny experiment takes the pressure to control the outcome off of the table. As scientists, experiments are approached with curiosity rather than harsh self-critical judgements.

could curious george be the key to a better life? 🐒

Her simple formula for these tiny experiments is:

I will [action] for [duration].

Ideally, it’s something very low-stakes that you’re curious about exploring. The duration is a commitment to yourself with an end-date so that you don’t feel like it’s a permanent habit you have to have forever!

For example, it could be I will [meditate] for [5 min every Sunday for one month].

In the TEDx video above, and her book, she goes into greater detail of how this can alter your sense of self and why this disruption is important.

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I love experimenting with new journalling routines! (film photo of me taken by JD🤍 in Mexico)

Personally, I’ve taken Le Cunff’s general outlook on experimenting in my own life, but after experimenting (an inception of experiments ;)!) with her specific formula, I’ve found it’s not really for me in this season of my life. However, I’m mentioning it here because I know it works for a lot of people, so give it a try!

I’m also mentioning it because I got a lot out of her book, and the formula is really only a small part of a bigger mindset shift...

For example, lately I’ve realized that if I put a harsh deadline on a personal project/goal (ex. get X amount of pages written by X date, or lose X pounds by X date, etc.), it gives me a lot of anxiety and makes the whole experience unenjoyable. I then start to rabbit hole into a series of existential questions about why I’m even doing the goal in the first place if it’s making me unhappy!

So, I’ve concluded that if it’s possible (like, not a work or school project!), I will give myself lots of breathing room in my goals and projects to explore, experiment, and let go of harsh end dates.

This has made my projects so much more enjoyable! The old me would have feared that if there’s no deadline, I won’t get it done, but the fact that I’m actually enjoying the process has made it a lot easier for me to get work (i.e. not procrastinate!) than if I was being hard on myself and looked at it as something I “have” to do!

By letting go of deadlines when it’s possible, I have surprisingly alleviated my anxiety surrounding personal goals, enjoyed the journey, and increased my productivity.

I’m curious, do you have anything in your life that could be more enjoyed with a little experimenting?

Rachel McAdams as Allie in The Notebook (2004)