This quote by Epictetus, a Greek stoic philosopher who was born around 50 A.D., shows that humans have always been afraid of public failure. In fact, it’s why a lot of people never put their dreams to action. We often want to have it all figured out before we risk putting ourselves out there, which keeps us in “research mode” versus “action mode”.
There is a terrific video by Ali Abdaal and Joe Hudson that talks all about this, plus other habits and mindsets that successful CEOs have. However, even if you’re not a CEO of a company, you’re the CEO of your own life, which makes the habits applicable to everyone. CLICK HERE for the link in case you’re curious!
Another thing they touch on early in the video is the habenula, a part in our brain that’s responsible for our anti-reward system (among many other things). What does that mean? Simply put, if you do something and then feel a negative emotion after doing it, this signals to the habenula to avoid doing that action again. For example, maybe when you were in school the teacher asked a question and you confidently raised your hand, certain that you had the right answer. Then, when teacher picked you and your answer was incorrect, maybe everyone laughed and you felt embarrassed. The next time the teacher asked a question, you didn’t raise your hand, even if you thought you knew the answer, because the anti-reward of potentially feeling embarrassed was stronger than the possible reward of being correct. Most of us would prefer inaction to risk experiencing an intense negative feeling.
The habenula is helpful to avoid physically dangerous situations, however it doesn’t know the difference between jumping off a cliff and “emotionally dangerous” situations such as experiencing failure. However, if you get used to “failing” often, like a skateboarder who expects to fall multiple times before they master a trick, or an actor who knows they won’t book the majority of the auditions they get, failing doesn’t seem so scary anymore. The fear of failing gets smaller, and you become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable because you know it’s part of the process.
Think about it this way: little kids consistently make mistakes but don’t let it stop them from their big goal. If a baby falls after trying to take their first step, they don’t think: “Oh, I guess walking isn’t for me. I’ll just crawl for the rest of my life!” Nope, they try again and again and again! Or if a kid mispronounces a word and is then corrected by an adult, that kid isn’t SO embarrassed that they’ll stop speaking forever. They just learn and try again, often like it’s no big deal. So as adults, when we want to try something new, why do so many of us quit as soon as we hit a setback? Because our brains are wired this way. So we must try extra hard to consciously rewire them!
Admittedly, as I’ve gotten older it’s become harder to shake embarrassment or guilt in certain situations, because I have the limiting belief that “I should know better by now.” Rationally, I understand that we cannot learn without making mistakes, but I require a lot of self-talk when this happens in real life.
For example, I “failed” super recently and beat myself up about it for an entire afternoon even though if I were to talk to myself like a best friend, I would have told myself not to worry about it. So, what was the failure? I had the settings on my Substack set to not receive an email if anyone clicked “reply” to my newsletter in their inbox. I thought Substack would send an automated reply letting that person know that I didn’t receive their message and to comment on Substack instead, so just a few weeks ago I randomly got curious and replied to my own newsletter to see what would happen. Guess what? NOTHING HAPPENED! No auto-reply, no email bounce back, nothing! Which means, to anyone who has been replying to me: I’m so sorry! I never received it!
As soon as I switched this setting to be able to receive email replies a few weeks ago, I started receiving them right away. Which signalled to me that I must have missed SO many over the last few years. I felt so embarrassed and guilty about this tiny little detail because I hate hurting people’s feelings. My habenula was working overtime! I tried to tell myself that if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was me who had been replying to someone’s newsletter and they never responded, I genuinely wouldn’t take it personally, so my great hope is that none of you have either. And if you have, that you now understand this mistake! Eek! 🙏🏻
I then took some more of my own advice from my “letting go” post and asked myself if this mistake was in my control to fix. It happened in the past, so it’s not. The only thing I could control is sending this post out and hope that it reaches the people it needs to, and then let go of my guilt.
On the other hand, I often find failing while I’m travelling really easy, probably because I travel often and expect it to happen. Trying new languages and navigating new transportation systems etc. in new countries boosts my confidence and even gives me a thrill! Do you have something you’re not afraid to fail at? I’m hoping to bring this outlook of failing into areas of my life that I feel less confident in.
As it was my birthday two weeks ago, my goal for this next trip around the sun is to take more career-related risks like I did in my youth. Here’s to Epictetus with being content with others and myself thinking I’m foolish and stupid from time to time! I would rather try and fail publicly online, than regret not trying at all. And, here is one of my favourite sayings (I don’t know who originally said it!) for anyone else who is taking this post as a sign to GO FOR IT, despite what others may think:
Let’s go for it!
